So, this post has taken a while for me to write.
If you’re a regular reader of my little blog, you’ll know that I have endometriosis and polycystic ovaries, two conditions which took 8 years to diagnose. Throughout this journey, it’s been uncomfortable, painful, draining and ‘totes emosh’ but there’s been little glimmers of hope along the way.
My main concern from the age of 18 was my fertility and whether or not at that age I should think about options like freezing my eggs, along with how to talk to a guy about the possibility of a broken womb.
When I went on a first date with my now husband back in June 2009, little did both we know from that moment on we would be together every day since. Talking to him about these issues came naturally and luckily for me he’s a double yolker so he had nothing but support for me. He has been there throughout all the tests, frustrations, operations, internals, consultant appointments, negative pregnancy and ovulation tests and absent periods.
Before we got married I have to admit I felt guilty when I couldn’t do the one thing I was biologically put on this planet to do. I naturally was worried about what our lives would be like if we didn’t have children but along the way his constant and nurturing reassurance guided the negative thoughts away.
In 2016, my periods were absent for 8 whole months. During this time I spent so much money on pregnancy tests only to be crushed by the constant negative results. In the October, our sweet little nephew was born and the moment I met and held him, I felt really strange. I left the hospital with cramps, back pain, leg pain and was really spaced out. I put it down to the excitement of meeting him! Just 2 days later, I got my period. I was absolutely over the moon.
In that time we saw our little nephew as much as possible as clearly he had magically powers that kickstarted my body. Low and behold, just 2 weeks later I was stood in the bathroom on a Thursday morning before work with a positive test.
I literally could not believe my eyes when that second line came up. My husband had gone to work and I tried to ring him with no luck, for him to text me after to say he was driving and couldn’t answer. I decided I couldn’t do it over the phone so I waited ALL day to tell him.
Now, as I enter the third trimester I have a bit of a bugbear.
My MOST hated phrase and one EVERYONE uses is “just you wait.”
“Just you wait until you start showing” or “just you wait until the sickness starts” – others such as “just you wait until you start putting on weight” and “you think you’re hurting now, just wait until labour!”
Now, I don’t know about you but I’m bloody tired of waiting. My pregnancy so far (car crash aside) has been incredible. Any pains, sickness, weight gain, skin changes, stretch marks and muscular problems are welcome because to me, it’s a constant reassurance that my body is doing something absolutely incredible. I’m growing a human – something I never thought I’d be able to say.
Now comes the “just wait until their born and the sleepless nights” and “you think the newborn phase is bad, just you wait until they start teething, weaning, crawling, walking, starting nursery” blah blah blah.
I’m tired of waiting. I don’t want to wait, I can’t wait to experience all of those things however hard or crazy they’re going to be. Because, my body is growing our baby and I am in love with every movement, kick, line, scar and mark on my body to bring me to the now, and now is right on time.
Infertility is such a difficult subject to talk to people about. It’s not about ‘having a positive attitude’ or just ‘relaxing’ (if I had a pound for every time I heard that). But talking about it opening really does help. I hope this post brings some light to those in need of it and most importantly hope. We’re all facing different challenges in life but there’s no harm in just being kind.